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White Students Regret Big Drinking Semester Ahead of Family Turkey Trots

Thanksgiving Fun

HOME- Going into this week’s Thanksgiving season, white students from all across campus are regretting their decisions over the course of the past months as they prepare for their family Fun Runs and Turkey Trots. Students across the board have been drinking a lot this autumn and their physical appearances reflect this prioritization of alcoholic endeavors over exercise. Thanksgiving is a time to feast, but there’s nothing white families enjoy more than getting out on the chilly morning and running a 5k to justify the Quarter Turkey, bucket of stuffing, and 5 pounds of mashed potatoes they put down at the dinner table just hours later. This all makes sense.

All of the best of 7’s, Boob Luges and Long Island Iced Teas seem relatively inconsequential in September, but as your local Feaster Five K or Mashed Marathon approaches a darkness hits. You realize that the extra can of natty light on a casual Tuesday night might not have been worth it after all. No one wants to yack with all of their families around and not finishing the race is even more of a travesty.

Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time to rejoice with family and take a break from the stress of our everyday lives. But for Dickinson students in 2018 it is simply a time of remorse. After the campus body gained a combined 3,167 lbs according to the campus statistics department, there is viable evidence that this year’s performances are not going to be strong across the board. While some students attempt to argue that their weight is a result of intentional “gains” the prospects of these gains contributing to strong race results are slim. The Dickinson community can expect a campus wide hiatus from alcohol following Thanksgiving break as students recognize the state of their bodies. However, we also can expect a quick transition into students revamping their drinking in order to put on the weight “necessary to survive the long winter”.

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