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  • Soap MacTavish

White Boys Fear For Participation Grades: No Longer Allowed to Speak

Dickinsonian- https://thedickinsonian.com/opinion/2019/02/07/should-white-boys-still-be-allowed-to-talk/

The white male community is facing a spring semester of academic obstacles after the always reliable, critically acclaimed Dickinsonian published a thought provoking piece from a truly brilliant author. For those who do not know, this masterpiece article ostracized the white men of the Dickinson community with a mixture of well balanced prose and a unit of supportive evidence. After reading such a thoughtful well positioned article the caucasian male body of Dickinson was stuck between a rock and a hard place: either confront this esteemed publication and the powerful writer behind this piece or succumb to the well calculated attack on their masculinity.

After careful thought and pondering, the white men of our Dickinson community have all agreed that silence is the best way to handle this after being big dogged by Leda Fisher’s camp. After a range of positive discourse in the senior groupme it was the only thing that made sense. The compelling title, “Should White Boys Still Be Allowed to Talk?” was the last step needed to silence the generally horrible white men of Dickinson College.

Since the publication of Fisher’s seething article, there have already been palpable results in the classroom. Many of the Brad and Chad faces Leda mentioned have begun to rely on actions over their words, demonstrating a tranquil yet invariably composed presence in the classroom. With respect towards Fisher's outlined desires in mind, even the most rambunctious of white men, have been silent as mice in the classroom. Proof of this was demonstrated when tenured Policy Management professor William Chauflin remarked that the typically boisterous white males from his Policy Management seminar exhibited an uncanny serenity this afternoon. He thought they might just be playing the silent game, but there was something darker and more subdued in their expressions, hopeless yet nostalgic, remembering the times they were actually able to voice their opinions freely, as all humans from any walk of life deserve.

With the Dickinsonian’s silent statute taking effect, the white males lamented the fact that their GPA’s would be taking a major hit. Without the agency to speak any longer within the confines of the Dickinson campus, all participation grades for white dudes are basically a wash. As soon as the news broke of the trending topic with a well placed promotion from a friend in the senior group chat (due to the lack of Dickinsonian readership), the white men of the community pulled out Texas Instruments like a mass marching band and got to work crunching numbers, trying to figure out how they could possibly overcome the strife of lack of participation points. Just remember, we didn’t want to give the Dickinsonian publicity, but alas here we are.

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