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  • Soap MacTavish

The Pong Rankings



Charlie Demuth #6:

An absolute villain at the table. Demuth has become a certified menace at whatever pregame he decides to show up to. He has the mean mug expression to intimidate his opponents and his ability to chirp is just the icing on the cake. Demuth’s name gets brought up in the lacrosse circle as an absolute threat, but the reality is he is a campus wide baller. While his antics at the table might be a bit too much for some, he's got nothing but respect from us at Testing Newsdays.


“Charlie is Clutch. His trademark move is the “check the pulse” before he sends his line drive shot into the cup he insisted you call out because it’s just too easy if you don’t. He loves sending games to overtime while confidently proclaiming he has “ice in his vains”. Don't be fooled by his antics, pong is very serious to Charlie. You will never see him crack a smile during a game because it is all business” -Nate Usich



Owen Tulloss #7:

Testing Newsdays has recently received some clapback about this selection, but the reality is the 6’1 135 lb freshman from Dubai is absolute water on the table. With an unorthodox stroke that sometimes gets called for bows, Tulloss is definitely someone who toes the line when he plays. His cockiness has even got him into a few scraps just 3 months into his college career, including an ugly one with Sergany. But the results can’t be questioned, he has the green light at all times and stays shooting. It will be interesting to see if the promising freshman continues on this crazy trajectory or if he will come down to Earth soon.


“He’s great at cultivating morale as he plays. He is truly passionate about the game. Such passion translates into the flick of his wrist. He gains confidence and finesse as he drinks more and progresses through the game. His charisma blooms and he gains character when he plays.” -David Grace




Killian Kueny #5:

The definition of a monster. Kueny is strictly buckets and stays shooting in the factory where she resides. Killian likes to mix up her forms and even eat while she plays prefering to keep a lacadasical attitude as not to put too much pressure on herself. She will even throw underhand heat when she’s really on one. A lot of dudes been talking about how this was a force, but we don’t do that here. She’s not even a catcher but she’s been wearing out cups.


"Kueny is money at pong. I think it’s all in the wrist and the follow thru honestly. And I’ve been hearing she supplies pizza rolls and cookies at her best of seven games to throw off her opponents. If that’s not strategy I don’t know what is" -Anonymous



Nick Kelly #1:

I mean the kid is number one for a reason. Just a small time bench player to begin with, Kelly was balling before the clout. As a raw freshman Kelly was crushing best of 7’s in Freddy Ave and he let that success get to his head. But it’s okay to be cocky when you’re good. Kelly has been known to call himself the king of Freddy Ave and has been known to not only secure dubs but also literally end lives of his opponents. Kelly will stare you in the eyes tell you he fucked your mom and drain the last cup before you can even respond. Kid is absolutely gross.


“Relentless trash talker, pressure does not affect him, and has single handedly ended the careers of both Sam Lorenzo and Peter Wilson” -Mike Hinckley



Jake Costello #4:

This kid plays with white balls more than Monica Lewinski in the oval office. They say good pong players are a dime a dozen but there is only one Jake Costello. The kid is absolute draino, and when you’re matched against him you will be taking natty showers. One of his tricks is wearing a shirt with a pocket in it just so he can toss the ball into the makeshift dryer in between shots and then pull up with the dry rub 12 piece in your face.


“Jake can hold his own against anyone, but more importantly his energy is contagious. He can hop onto any team and bring some heat. If you’re down in a series, whether it’s the last cup or last game, you want him on your team”. -Mike Borsch



Abdelrahman el-Sergany #2:

Honest Abe, is an appropriate name for this kid, because like Lincoln he takes shots straight to the head during the play. Some say Serg plays for fun, but for the kid from Cairo, pong is more than a game, it’s a chance for upward mobility for him and his family in Egypt. Sergany sees every game as an opportunity to not only move up the Dickinson ranks but the world ranks. Serg likes to make strong eye contact with the cups as if he is staring into their inanimate souls. He even says his extracurricular activities including playing #1 for the squash team, have helped him to stay in the form he’s maintained throughout college. If you are younger than Serg do not play against him; it will be a rude awakening.


All Quotes from friends were too explicit.



Rachel Brenowitz #8:

Gas. Gas Pedal. There’s no letting up for this senior former softball player. When Rachel is not in the classroom, you can almost guarantee she’s thinking about how to get better. Her track record speaks for itself, but she is most known for an incident in which she drank Milo F. into oblivion over the course of a dominant best of 7. Rachel believes she was placed too low on this list, so we expect big things from her in the coming weeks and months.


Friends didn't respond for comment.


James McGlynn #11:

McGlynn was a late addition to our top 12 list but make no mistake this kid deserves to be recognized. When told of his accomplishment about being included on the top 12 list of pong players here he told his close friends that he was gunning for the top spot. For his shot he has a high stroke and a release that would make Ray Allen smile. He hits 12-14 cups a game normally, but can kick it up to 16 when the time gets tough. What sets James McGlynn apart from other players is his killer instinct. As soon as there’s only one cup on the table James hits it, time and again shooing his opponents off the table and already setting up for the next. Whatever questions you may have about his game, or his inclusion into the top 12 be assured one thing, line up against him and you’ll be drinking, a lot.


“I mean there's not much to say other than this kid is a walking bucket. It’s like god put him on this Earth to drink beer and drain cups, and that’s exactly what he does”

-Anonymous



Pat Coyle #3:

Pat Coyle is one of those players everyone gets excited to watch in action. Him on the table brings up memories of watching Jordan take over a court, or Jeter on a diamond. You know you’re going to see something special. Everyone who plays him tries to find the weakness in his game, and after he hits the first 5 cups they come to the realization that this kid just doesn’t have any. He can put up a perfect rack, count cups like a calculator, and then hit a the last cup like he was Steph Curry with a wide open 3. He comes from a long family of pong greatness, as his father created the game here at Dickinson years before, and his mother is hailed as also one of the best to ever do it.


“I asked Pat about his ranking in the tournament, Pat just laughed and said “You guys haven’t seen nothing yet” and I don’t know about you, that scares me a little, if he’s got an extra level to his game I sure wouldn't want to play against it." -Anonymous




Christian Moton #10:

"Christian The Finesse God" as some like to call him. While some call him a streaky shooter, more often than not the kid is on. Christian prefers to kick it at lowkey events and simply stroke. Unlike a lot of the top 12, Christian has proven capable of harnessing his emotions and usually steers clear of the trash talk. Unless you step in his lane, then you are cooked. From Atwater to now playing on a national stage, Moton has been great.


“Every bo7 he’s played, he’s never lost” -Anonymous




Nick Williams #9:

Sheeesh. This former wrestler has metaphorically pinned every person whose gone head to head with him in pong over the last four years. Many believe he should be higher on this list, but after being derailed by some severe ankle injuries he’s going to have to reinvent his game. For this dog there’s no wrong tree to bark up and he will chirp until you try to get physical and then he will dismantle you in a side room before returning to the table. Some of the 12 are a bit streaky but Williams is a guarantee. He swears it says “Nick Will Made It” not “Mike Will made it" but that’s a song for another time.


“Nick Wetiams, that's what I call him. Shot is so nice, just wish he drank his cups”

-Anonymous





Josh “Chip” Lovit #12:

It’s easy to look at Josh Lovit during a pong game and think that there are 0 things going on in his head. However, for Lovit this zen attitude is just his way of making sure he brings the best version of himself to the table every time out there. “Chip” made noise last spring after waiting 3 minutes before drilling a redemption cup in the outdoor tournament at Depot. While some people say he’s been off his pong grind this year Chip will tell you he still has it.


“How do you think Chip pulls dude? It’s only cause he’s good at pong.” -Anonymous



We must remember that we are mere mortals compared to these Gods. Hopefully this can serve as a guide to those who don't have the "it factor" these legends all seem to have.


Coming Soon: 10 Worst Pong Players at Dickinson

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