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The Decline of Dickinson College

** Disclaimer - This one gets real personal guys. You may not agree with everything in the article, but hey, if that’s the case then start your own fucking website. What you DEFINITELY shouldn’t do is complain to us about the contents of the article because honestly - truly honestly - we don’t care. On that happy note, let’s get right into it.

What’s your favorite part about being a Dickinsonian? With graduation behind us, let’s take some time to look at the significant investment we (and our parents) made. Will we come to the conclusion that Dickinson can more than justify the $284,000 price tag? You guessed it: Fuck No. Let’s break down those costs anyway so you guys can warn any prospective students.

1) Housing – Up to $8,910 per year – (~35k over four years). Who doesn’t love living in paper-mâché halfway houses? Also, let’s be clear – While this breaks down to about $1000 a month in rent, which isn’t absurd (although paying any amount of money to live in a place like Carlisle is), it’s not like you get your own apartment. 8 people live in each townhouse. 8 people, each of them paying for room and board, and all of a sudden some questions start being raised. Is a townhouse an $8000/month type of property? For that amount, you can get a nice spot in NYC or LA. I’m talking real fucking cribs guys. And the best part is, Dickinson makes sure to charge for “damages” at the end of each semester, many of which include typical house maintenance like repainting the walls. And they refuse to show you the invoice from their “contractors”, which can only mean they skim some off the top. Hey Dickinson, if you built your properties out of anything other than cardboard, you probably wouldn’t have so many fucking holes to patch at the end of each year. Dickinson realized its students were making the obvious choice of spending like 400 a month on off-campus spots, and saw a threat to their bottom line. On top of removing what was definitely the fulcrum of Dickinson social life, someone named Joyce Bylander decided that treating 21 to 23 year olds like children was the obvious choice.

Bottom Line – Not worth it

2) Food – $6,866 per year - Where to fucking begin. Dickinson claims to have 7 on campus dining options. Our sources counted 3. Caf - okay. Quarry - shithole but okay. SNAR - terrible branding but we’ll count it. It is ludicrous to say we have 7. The underground makes coffee and serves sushi (the same exact food sold in the quarry, snar, and biblio). A smoothie place, and a hut that serves John Dickinson coffee by no means count as “dining options”. If you moved into a town and there were 4 Subway restaurants near your and nothing else, you sure as hell wouldn’t brag about how much choice you are given. And don’t pretend Dickinson doesn’t know what they are doing. Much as their tour guides still tout Greek life (more on that later) as a cornerstone of Dickinson campus culture, the moral midgets in the administration have 0 problem misleading would-be Dickinsonians into thinking they will be well taken care of. Let’s end this section with a question – If the Quarry were an actual restaurant competing on the free market, how many weeks do you think it would stay in business?

Bottom line – Not worth it

3) Student Senate Fees - $350 per year – WHAT THE FUCK DO THESE CLOWNS DO?? Like actually. I’m not talking about giving us ice cream fucking sundaes during exams. Seems to me whenever any student brings a concern to this group of incompetent nimrods, all they do is shrug their shoulders and say they’re trying. If the Student Senate polled the student body (which they don’t do), and asked if they would rather have the Student Senate exist or get venmoed their $350 back, these bozos would be out of office before you can say the word “Useless”.

Bottom line – The constituents should revolt

4) Wellness Center Fee - $200 per year – I just love paying for someone who is not actually a doctor to tell me to go see a doctor. Also particularly convenient that they usually can’t fit you in until after your sickness has passed.

Bottom Line – Gotta respect it. Pretending you are a real medical professional is some Catch Me If You Can shit. We’ll give Dickinson this.

5) Fraternity/Sorority Life - ~600/year. This part was worth every penny, right up until Dickinson destroyed it. Becky Hammell, Josh Eisenberg, an excel document left on a projector, a solo cup in the back of the picture, and a forced vodka chug are all scapegoats for Dickinson’s unceasing mission to eliminate Greek Life. I would say Dickinson’s destruction of Greek Life was a Trojan Horse, but they were never able to disguise their petty war motives. So who was the Helen of this stalemate? Fun, and fun there is no more.

The Rest – $55,948 per year ($223k over 4 years) – Dickinson doesn’t itemize the bulk of our tuition, but it’s clear that they consider our cash “renewable” and therefore burn it to heat their LEED certified buildings. But they don’t burn everything.

1) DPS –

Ah yes, the sociopaths who have found no other spot in society, so they resort to pleasuring themselves to the thought of catching a 20 year old girl holding a beer. Rest assured, these brave men and women LOVE spending their Friday and Saturday nights following teenagers around waiting with baited breath for some poor freshman to light a joint in an alleyway.

Clearly not talented enough to work for a real police force, these MAGA hat wearing, blue lives matter hardos have ruined many a Dickinson student’s year. Do they investigate the gunshots heard near campus? No. Do they absolutely hate hearing a Big Sean song coming out of McKinney? Of course. Here’s to many more years of paying their unnecessary salaries. Yes, unnecessary. Gettysburg doesn’t even have a Department of Public Safety, and now they’re ranked as a better college than us. Look it up.

2) Student Life - Lucky for you, Dickinson removes your right to a fair trial after any infraction! Yup, you heard it right. Instead of being able to defend yourself and plead your case in front of a court of law, Dickinsonians are privileged to simply skip this step and have their entire academic careers put into jeopardy. Dickinsonians are not spared the joy of dealing with Elizabeth Farner, who as far as our reporters can tell is nothing basically the school executioner. Lets dive a little deeper into the other corpulent characters in Student Life (and the further administration) and see exactly what we are paying for.

*All figures are taken from Dickinson’s Form 990 (2016), a tax form required for all non-profit institutions. You can check it out yourself here. For simplicity's sake we did not include bonuses.

a. Joyce Bylander – $217,882 per year- Isn’t it crazy that the Head of Student Life at a residential college didn’t actually attend a residential college? It’s almost as if she can’t understand the perspectives of students. Joyce announced her retirement (firing?) last year, yet for some reason we still see her around. Don’t you get it lady? Seeing you makes Dickinsonians physically sick. Even more sickening is that in our relatively short time at Dickinson she has put away a million bucks of our money. For a million dollar woman Joyce, you sure dress like a slob.

b. Brontae Jones – $283,767 per year - I mean I get it, this is like the bare minimum you would have to pay me to spend my adult life in Carlisle. But 280k per year? Interesting that she was one of the key decision makers in removing off campus housing (once again a clear money grab by Dickinson). Was it to find room in the budget for her own exorbitant salary? Wouldn’t surprise me. Also DO NOT try and ask her to explain a decision she makes, she’s not one for constructive criticism.

c. Nancy Roseman - $441,775 per year – This is about the going rate for a College President, if you can call her that. But we can’t, because as Dickinson themselves write on their tax forms, this is amount we had to pay her to be our FORMER President. Yea, even after she left we still had to pay her some bread (and a lot of it) for the fucking ringer she put us all through.

d. Neil Weissman – $364,549 per year – This man got a CHECK for being the Interim President. Wouldn’t usually mind whoever's in charge getting the big bucks, but we were paying him and Nancy at the same time. Pretty crazy he got this much money for something that’s not an actual job.

e. Becky Hammel – Unknown - Central Pennsylvania’s finest, Becky Hammel is simply infuriating to deal with. I mean this lady is so fucking old and out of touch I don’t even know what to say. What I do know is that whatever she gets paid, it’s way too much.

f. Angie Harris – Unknown - I’m so glad this lady finally found love, recently committing to living full time with her golden retriever. Talking with Angie is like talking to a brick wall. Absolutely compassionless, she’s as if Snape literally ate Lord Voldemort. Following the off-campus housing debacle, she claimed “I had no idea I was this responsible for your social life”. Sad to see that despite her best efforts, college kids are still hooking up. That’s more than we could ever say for her. Good luck in life, hun.

g. Josh Eisenberg – Unknown - Talk about the bottom of the totem pole. Josh is an absolute spineless coward. Beloved by some, hated by others, but make no mistake. This man is a bonafide scrub who will throw students lives under the bus in order to save his own mediocre career. He actually has a well documented history of doing so, so for those of you that side with him why don’t you do your research. Fuck you cockroach man.

e.  Margee Ensign - A whole lot - Are we paying a third president? On a real note, this lady is baller status. I’m not exactly sure what were paying her because those numbers haven’t been released yet, but I can pretty much guarantee you it’s not enough. How about we take some of the 220k we’ve been giving Joyce Bylander to do nothing. Or get rid of Brontae entirely. Margee has had a remarkable life and career, and at this point is basically the saving grace of this institution. Hopefully, as her time at Dickinson continues, her eyes will be opened to the level of incompetence held by the rest of the clowns running the school, and she can hire/fire accordingly.

f. Athletic Coaches - Unknown - These men/women seem to get it (for the most part). As a NARP, I can only look on with jealousy as my peers have relationships with Dickinson employees that are actually constructive. Too bad the AD refused to spend that money on women’s sports, huh?

g. Sage Ober - Probably next to nothing - Like a mosquito buzzing in your ear, this lady is straight up annoying. Props to her though for sending the least cared about emails on campus.

h. Amanda George - Unknown - TBH, this lady’s job probably sucks really bad. All she has to do is tell parents who are already paying a lot of money that they owe more money because their kid slammed a four loko and kicked down a bannister. Interesting choice of her to charge people thousands of dollars in repairs, but flat out refuse to show a receipt or an invoice for what that money was actually used for. Almost as if res life is skimming off the top.

I. Sean Ryan - Also probably nothing - This clown is a waste of everybody's time and money. Hey Dickinson, if you are going to kick every fraternity in the IFC off campus and cut the club budgets, why are you still paying for a Director of Fraternity Life? Our best guess is that his salary is so low they let it slide. It’s like throwing away spare change for them.

J. Dee Danser - Unknown - A woman of honor and courage. Nothing bad to say about her, except that maybe she should take a good long look at the assholes she chooses to hire. Also, you look NOTHING like your picture on the Dickinson website, but hey, that’s showbiz baby.

K. Errol Huffman - Unknown - In his tenure as the Director of Dining Services, this man has mastered how to have an external locus of control. Try and talk to him, and you will quickly learn that nothing, even critical aspects of his own job, could ever be his fault. Terrible food on campus? “I’m only one cog in the machine”. Taking away Quarry 2 weeks before school ends - “Students quit on us”. This guy should be given the ax ASAP.

Bottom Line - If Dickinson wants to change its culture, grow, and improve as an institution, then it starts with the permanent members of that institution. Honestly, a lot the the people above have got to go (Angie wya buddy). And I don’t mean like how Joyce claimed she was leaving but we still gotta see her around. It’s time this school was run by adults. We believe Margee will come to realize this soon as well, so we actually are optimistic for the future.

The crazy thing is, for all of our bitching and moaning (see above, or anywhere else on this site), we don’t even have the experience of being a minority student at Dickinson. While white, cis, hetero students rightfully have problems with the college, our best understanding is that those problems pale in comparison with our nonwhite, non-hetero compatriots. Which really sucks, because we couldn’t imagine adding another layer to our frustrations. But hey, that’s our privilege in a nutshell right? The TN staff is leaving, and the site is likely going down (unless it doesn’t, but I bet you won’t be the one to know about it).

To all those graduated, good luck. It’s been real going to school with you all for the last 4 years. While we sure as hell wouldn’t do it again, we truly are going to miss you. Much love from the Testing Newsdays group.

More to come in 2019-2020?

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