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  • Soap MacTavish

Student Seen Breaking A Sweat Proves PE Requirement Makes Sense

Why the Requirement Matters

Monday, 12:20pm- Gym class is dismissed! Students beep out of the gym with relief, gather their belongings from stacked cubbies, and bundle up for the rain under the Kline’s impressive marquee.  But one student, Seamus Deltz (sophomore), was entirely drenched with beads of sweat before even stepping into the cold November shower.  According to inquisitive classmates and an unbecoming statement from the class instructor, we now understand that Mr. Deltz was actually trying in his gym class.

Let’s review some of the rather scathing reports:

Veronica M. a sophomore Theta chimed in:  “I’m def not accustomed to seeing people putting in effort in gym class. We are required to go and resist the mandatory sessions by laying flat on mats in our Lululemons. Furthermore, an Anonymous classmate divulged: "I enrolled in the course to lose weight and feel good about myself.  I told myself that 2018 would be the year I took my body seriously, but I don’t want to appear as a “hardo” so I usually just rotate between walking on a resistance-less elliptical and the water fountains. Honestly, kudos to Seamus!".

Even Seamus friend Chucky Extracurriculars told his side of the story:  I was trying to escape through the side door after the ten minute mark but I stopped when I heard loud grunting and caught a glimpse of Seamus completing aggressive military presses on the open gym floor. Several chicks had their cameras out and I guess they were trying to send surreptitious Snaps to their friends. I mean, there was an ocean of sweat on the gym floor.  When Seamus finished that set he looked like he could carry the onus of the whole world on his shoulders!  The best part was when I saw that gym receptionist, Leonard Chipmunk, make eye contact with Seamus and his sweat puddle and point deliberately at the paper towels".

The head of the PE program Women's Basketball coach Lisa Buckets (who obviously voted in favor of the PE requirement) added:  "It was a refreshing sight! Part of a well-rounded Liberal Arts education is involuntary physical education for all students. Some students believe, by virtue of their inherent dietary and fitness discipline, they should enjoy privileges that enable them to opt out of the requirement. However, with the immense fitness knowledge of Dickinson’s PE professors and access to a comprehensive liberal arts gymnasium, I can tell you their argument is specious. It’s all about challenging our minds, and also our bodies at Dickinson.... umm, and to me, Seamus and his sweat were testament to Dickinson’s pledge of providing a holistic education to those that put in the effort".

However, Seamus's direct PE professor Mikey Consell was less impressed:  "Between you and me, I am required to do a few things like keep an attendance sheet and check in on the students every once and a while, but I usually just check out NFL highlights on my new Galaxy.  It was honestly laughable that Seamus put in so much effort into my class. I just pass or fail these guys and this hardo looked like he thought me and all these people were Olympic Judges".

After reviewing this case, Three things are for sure: 1. Seamus is a shameless hardo who will continue to exert maximum effort during his Strength Training at the expense of his reputation. 2.) Seamus is getting the most out of his sessions and burning more calories than those that squander their time in the gym during mandatory sessions. 3.) The gym credit is valid because even though it may only change one out of every 300 students lives it's still worth it.

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