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  • Charley From Next Door

REPORT: Remaining KE Members Looking to Cuff, Off to Slow Start

On Saturday night, a remaining member amongst the ghosts of KE slid into the DMs of a resident Kappa junior, who wished to remain nameless, so we will call her Trixie. The following Sunday morning, Trixie heard from a friend of a friend that he was looking to finally lock a girl down this semester. Said DM slider was too busy scheduling an extra session with his therapist to comment. So, our staff at Testing Newsdays decided to meet with Trixie herself to discuss the art of cyber flirting at Dickinson. Seeing as its seasonal depression season, otherwise known as cuffing season, our staff decided to sit down with her to get some advice on the matter. “Let’s get one thing straight,” she reported, “when it comes to flirting, men here are pretty clueless. They have the cranial complex of burnt toast.”

First and foremost, Trixie enlightened us if you look like you are going to bang my mom and stay for breakfast (picture Ryan Collins), you have a good shot at getting cuffed. However, a perfect jawline and a mediocre scramble can only get someone so far these days. Additionally, if you have figured out how to secure the phone number, hitting her with just a “hey” is boring, and that conversation is going to go nowhere. “She might just be in class…” says local lonely boy Chad. Fucking spare me and get your boy to pass the Juul, take a fat rip, and move over now that she has realized how slept on the former KE boys have been. She heard the still esteemed, but former members Kappa Sigma are looking to cuff. She even heard they send emails to ask girls on dates! Of course they won’t admit she’s their girlfriend, but heard through the grapevine a sober hangout is on the horizon, so perhaps not all hope is lost…

If you’re looking to cuff, resident DM expert Trixie here says sliding into dms should be the absolute last resort in reaching out to a chick, and should only be done if you have no other way of contacting them. That being said, we are going to assume that you have barely said two words to this person, and for sure ignore them at 11:45 when you walk from Denny to the caf with your Airpods in. Apparently at Dickinson you have to be blackout introduced to Willy Wilson on Lax three times before he can start saying hi to you in public. Word on the street however, it only takes one blackout introduction for the remaining gentlemen of Kappa Sigma. Anyhow, to appear as even a blip on her radar, you need to lay some solid groundwork according to Trixie. Toss her a follow before plunging into her inbox. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither should your sexual tension.

Okay, so you see your betrothed out and about on the town, what’s your next move? According to Trixie, flirting is all fun and games until the fluorescent lights come on at Bi’s and you’re once again faced with the reality that the only thing you can pull is your SafeRide home. But before you make your move towards the door, after doing some recon over the events of the evening with your boys, they’ll eventually say “you have nothing to lose,” so you pull up the Women’s Soccer roster and slide right into her inbox. Not only is that is trash advice, but one of your “boys” will probably be making out with her at White House next weekend. With that attitude, your best case scenario would be getting hit with the famous last words of “we should do this again sometime,” but trust me you will not be doing it again. If you’re a straight up thirst machine out the gate, expect to be one-night-stood, at best, and definitely expect to be at the fated panini press at the same time within the week. In her closing words, Trixie advised, “Take this advice if you’re looking to get cuffed, instead of just a semi-regular dick appointment.”




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