Naughty or Nice? Dickinson Edition
NORTH POLE- 2018. What a year. If there is anything to take away from 2018, it’s that whatever you do nobody actually cares. The so-called Naughty Or Nice list feared by the gullible Christians is bullshit so guess what: we created our own. And unlike the diligent loser’s at the North Pole, we only had to check this shit once. Now go sing a song about it.
Student Life - The naughty list’s perennial all-star. Although the Wicked Witch of the West is gone, and the department has even taken some steps in the right direction, this crew is as bad as it gets. Reports suggest the deans were playing darts on a board with “Greek Life” written on it. Meanwhile, they claim to “love and encourage” it when they speak with admissions. These folks cannot be trusted. Not only do they hate any notion of students enjoying themselves, but they have gone out of their way to be as unreliable as possible. Half of them didn’t even live on their own college's campus. Sheesh.
Karen from Snar- Paying for refills? Smaller portions? Fact - she is the person who decided to make the cheesesteaks smaller. Fact - Charges 2 swipes for guac. Fact - Sometimes doesn’t refill the chocolate milk. Fact - Naughty list.
Swim Team - What do you say to yourself when you get up at 6 AM in 15 degree weather? It’s probably something like “I wanna curl up in my blankets like a hot pocket”. You definitely don’t say to yourself, “Let me get out of bed and hop in a pool”. You know who does say that? The swim team. Imagine getting up in the wee hours of a freezing Carlisle morning, tossing on your trunks, getting in the pool, and proceeding to swim silently for 2 hours. And then doing it again the next day. These sociopaths live among us, quietly torturing themselves each morning before the rest of us even awaken. That shit is scary as fuck. Naughty list, next question.
Steve Erfle - Yea, he teaches the hardest class at Dickinson, but that also means those of us who don’t take his class have to listen to those who do. But do you know what the worst part is? This guy is STILL eating Tide pods. I mean, the man cannot stop. An absolute machine when he gets his hands on a pack, Steve chomps through them like they’re Toaster Strudels. Even though Mom has been telling him to stop since January when this idiotic fad started, Steve just keeps on eating them. He claims he figured out the formula to eat these delicious snacks and not get sick while working in Excel. Santa has noticed this bad behavior, and now Steve can expect a lump of coal in his stocking.
Guy Wall - Now guess who forgot to leave carrots out for the Reindeer last Christmas Eve. To make matters worse, it has been three weeks since this naughty child has called his Mom. Santa is watching, and he has noticed.
The Career Center - Do YOU have a job?
Downtown Harrison Brown - This year, Downtown Harrison Brown developed from a local threat to an international menace. Best known for pulling up from deep, the kid has been smashing threes since he could walk. Turns out, that’s also as high as he can count. But Italy really didn’t need that smoke. Numerous Italians have reported being terrified by HB towering over them at the clubs. Apparently there have been 4 “situations”. Bad Boy Brown is real, and he should never have been allowed to leave the country.
Townhouse Row - Nobody likes decay. And so rude of these students to take up residence in a family of cockroaches home. Also big into sports betting. Moms everywhere are upset.
Mob - Anyone knows what actually happens at MOB? Word on the street is, these cowards tried to copy TN exactly. Issue is, they don’t have the jokes or the technical prowess to get anything like that done. If you’re going to steal an idea, do it well (think Instagram stealing stories from Snap, or the Dickinson Administration stealing interrogation techniques from Stalin). So much for academic integrity!
Maxine - A unanimous choice by the North Pole community and Dickinson community alike, this wonderful ray of sunshine beams down upon us each and every day as we are shuttled like wild hogs into our feeding grounds. Luckily for us, we get to call it the Caf because we have Maxine’s beaming face and gentle smile exuding pure joy. Just that little kick we need to digest our leftover airplane food. Rumor amongst the Elvin population is that she asked for a remote control car, but we put in a good word with Santa and got her the whole Transformers set.
Charlie Zane - Despite several attempts to weasel their way between him and his long-distance girlfriend, no Dickinson gal was able to homewreck his relationship. The attempted homewreckers are still mourning his transfer, but phew. What a nice guy.
Rob the DPS officer - It’s been a great year for this campus staple. Already on the nice list because he’s the best, he secured his already obtained spot this year when he got his promotion. Who better to catch you smoking weed? Imagine sitting in some shitty bathroom, clearing a shitty bong, and getting a knock on your door from Rob. Even though you know Student Life (see above) get off on getting kids in trouble for that sort of stuff, at least you got Rob breaking the news to you. Here in Carlisle, that’s as good as it gets.
Austin Morgan - He’s been a very good boy this year.
Delta Nu - The only people on campus who have mastered blacking out without touching a red solo cup. Somehow, *somehow* staying out of trouble while going balls to the wall. Congrats guys, you earned it. Also, some of you are hilarious on Twitter. Vive la Resistance.
Texas Pete - How else can we choke down our three eggs medium with cheese? Brisket? Even Broccoli? Texas Petes, otherwise known as the heartbeat of the Dickinson community, deserves some special treatment. And the other article we wrote about it didn't get much love. So here it is.
Denny Apartments - Idk, I just feel like there are some chillers there.
Deli Q - Thousands of Juul Pods. Hundreds of chicken bacon ranch wraps. Dozens of pints of ice cream. Deli Q saves us from the darkness of Carlisle. The Deli Q delivery truck is a beacon of hope, tearing through the cold Carlisle nights exactly like Santa and his Sleigh. Few things bring joy to Dickinson quite like the gentle “Quick Stop Deli” you hear when you call for deliver at 11:48. Yea, you’ll feel like you got punched in the stomach, but nothing satisfies those late night cravings like Deli Q. Long live.