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Managerial Friend Guide

As each new semester dawns upon the Dickinson campus, seeping into the pungent air in Carlisle like some kind of venereal disease, a yearly phenomenon begins to occur once again.

The prestigious international business and management majors, fresh off summer internships spent in New York city straight yossing the family credit card at every rooftop bartender in Manhattan, prepare to buckle down and tackle the most grueling course in all of Dickinson’s underwhelming academic catalog:


The sheer name brings shudders to any poor soul entering the seemingly welcoming halls of Althouse, warmly bathing hordes of lacrosse players and Asians alike as they congregate in fear, knowing that only dismay and certain death await them beyond those magnificent glass doors with obscenely large handles that cannot possibly be logistically proportional.

While students in majors other than INBM, or, “fucking peasants” as they are referred to as by insiders, are naïve in their gripes over the excessive amount of complaining about managerial, our little busy bees in the class know better – it is an actual requirement of the class to bitch and moan about your workload as much as humanly possible, and to inform every single living creature you encounter over the course of the entire semester that managerial is “consuming your life.”

I’ve decided to compile a sort of emergency list for us “fucking peasants” not taking managerial, comprised of steps we can take to comfort our poor genius friends in times of great stress.


1. Constantly, and I mean constantly, remind your friend taking managerial that they are no less than one hundred million times more intelligent than you are. This is a key step, as even though it may seem obvious, our humble INBM friends occasionally forget that they are genetically wired to possess more brainpower than the rest of us.

2. Get them quarry whenever they ask for it and don’t complain. They don’t have time to eat, drink, or sometimes even breathe, with the intense workload given to them by the class. Use the vast majority of your Flex swipes to fuel them up on pepperoni pitas.

2a. If you’re feeling especially ambitious, you can run the old “pay a hood ass Carlisle townie to run up on the Quarry with a gun and demand they bring back the pesto party permanently” play. Works every time.

3. Literally perform oral sex on them. I’m not kidding. Doesn’t matter their gender or your own sexual orientation – it doesn’t even matter if you’re related to them. Just get it done – they’re stressed, and they’re better than you, so they deserve it.

4. Get three other friends involved, purchase black suits, and form a tight perimeter around them every time they are studying in the library, which will inevitably be every waking second of every day. You can’t afford for them to be infected by all the poor people germs floating around from the nearby tables and subsequently miss days of class, god forbid – who knows if they would ever recover.

5. Understand that they completely have every right to be a complete cock to you and effectively ignore your friendship for the entire duration of the course. You’re a fucking idiot, you have no idea how hard they are working right now, and they don’t have time for your pussy ass friendship.

All in all, remember to be respectful of these poor souls as they embark on a journey so perilous it makes storming the beaches on D-Day look like absolute child’s play. Remember, every INBM major is much smarter, richer, and overall better than you are, and you should consider yourself lucky to even be able to talk to them occasionally, you fucking bitch ass Environmental Studies pussy.

Here’s to hoping we can work even a fraction as hard as our dedicated business heroes in preserving their well-being throughout this trying time.

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