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  • Soap MacTavish

Stressed Freshman Opens Common App After Securing Unfortunate Nickname



Area freshman Thomas Mularkey is debating transferring after peers have pinned him with quite an unfortunate nickname. The bug eyed freshman is now known grade wide as “Peeping Tom” after accidentally walking into the girls bathroom of Baird-McClintock. The innocent freshman claimed he had no idea it was a women’s restroom but hall-mate and incoming frat star Rex Bandit says “no shot”. “Dude, you don’t get a name like "Peeping Tom" without being an absolute creep job” said Bandit when explaining why the name was justly applied.


Mularkey has enjoyed the majority of campus life, thriving in the classroom, indulging in “sports” such as jive, and even impressing his hall-mates with his Fortnite skills. However, being labeled as “Peeping Tom” has been the negative energy that has overshadowed all of his other accomplishments thus far. When asked about why he doesn’t prefer the name, Mularkey explained “The name just has a bad connotation man. When I walk into the caf or the classroom people I know yell it at me and it just kills my vibe”. Mularkey went on to further explain that the name is especially unfit because he has extremely subpar vision. Mularkey says that he always been far more fixated on his olfactory and hearing functions as opposed to his eyesight.


So while Mularkey, considers options elsewhere he hopes that the “Peeping Tom” label is isolated to Dickinson’s campus and won’t follow him if he decides to transfer. However, his worries regarding his future have only pushed some people close to him to start pitching the name Doubting Thomas as a replacement.

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