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  • Big Hoss

Football Spelling Bee

Welcome back to the Dickinson Sports Network, as we are just about to begin our annual Dickinson College Red Devil Football Team Spelling Bee, sponsored by Cialis. Are those steroids inhibiting your ability to maintain an erection and keep your significant other satisfied in the bedroom? Are you just not the alpha male you used to be? Does your dad still call you a little bitch and make you mow the lawn until its cut perfectly and doesn’t give you a break cause your accidental conception (assisted by Cialis) forced him to give up his hopes and dreams in order to financially support you and your siblings who he also resents? Sounds like you could use Cialis.  Cialis, It’s even better than pain meds.


Well as someone who has covered this spelling bee for a few years now, I can tell you this is the most excited and determined of a football roster I have ever seen, the Red Devils are getting back to their winning ways after a few tough seasons, and the head ball coach has been putting a much greater emphasis on academics for those within the program, and we over here at DSN are looking forward to seeing these lads shine in the spelling department. Now let’s take a look at some of the top spellers that you should keep an eye on throughout this event.  The first is a young man named Kevin All-Conference, a generally presumptuous person who inexplicably changed his last name following his freshman season during which he recorded a team low two tackles and, as expected, was never, ever, not even for a second, in consideration for an All-Conference nod. Kevin is back for his sophomore season, and is desperately hoping to receive more playing time, and subsequently an all-conference selection, so as not to look foolish for the rest of his existence. KA-C was eliminated last year in the third round by the word “Decay”.  Kevin is more confident in his spelling this season and contends that his fateful word during last year’s spelling bee was “A tough ass third round word that I just don’t have in my bag yet.” Kevin maintains that his spelling of Decay, D-A-K-A-Y is pretty fucking spot on phonetically. We asked Kevin what we should expect from him this year, to which he responded by mumbling something along the lines of “The grind” and “god’s plan,” but refused to elaborate further. Nonetheless we’ve selected Kevin as one of our “Good Ass Spellers to Watch” during this year’s event, sponsored by White Claw. White Claw, You can drink as much of it as you want as long as you have a bottle of Cialis for later on.


 Our next speller to watch is Ryan Boatspeed, a wide receiver with rock hard abs, a sick Corvette, and a tiny penis.  As advertised, Kevin is as fast as a boat, we think. Boatspeed hails from Charleston, South Carolina, a city with a rich tradition of spelling words correctly and chewing tobacco, often at the same time. Ryan’s love of spelling was inaugurated by the sight of women wearing embroidered Abercrombie Yoga pants with slogans on the back.  Ryan wasn’t being creepy, he says, he was simply honing his craft. Ryan is a freshman so we are unsure of what to expect from him, but he has been put on our Good Ass Spellers to Watch list due to his ability to sing the chorus of “Respect” by the great Aretha Franklin, with almost no slip ups. 


Next on our Good Ass Spellers to Watch List is none other than star linebacker Benjamin Franklin (No relation). Franklin is a former champion of this event, but his spelling has clearly regressed following the 15 unconfirmed concussions he received last season. Those double-digit head rumps remain unconfirmed and didn’t force him to miss a single game due to Franklin’s unbelievably low score on the concussion baseline test.  I’m just speculating here, but it seems as if the Dickinson College medical staff was fine with allowing him to continue playing as they just didn’t think he could get any dumber. Horrible GPA and home life aside, Franklin spells verbs with the best of them, but has been known to recuse himself from competition whenever presented with an adverb, because he doesn’t believe that they are real. Oddly enough, Benjamin Franklin has been eliminated from the past two Bees due to his inability to spell the words “Electricity” and “Independence”, and all attempts to explain to Franklin why that is so fucking funny have come up short. All we know is Benny is one small head bump away from no longer being with us, so we were able to get a helmet on him for this event by telling him it was a thinking cap. Benjamin now believes he has a distinct advantage over the competition due to his high-powered brain stimulating accessory.  We are telling you this information in confidence, and we beg you not to tell Benjamin the truth, out of fear that his brain might literally melt.  


Rounding out the list is junior fullback, Tracy Fullback.  Unlike Kevin All-Conference, Tracy has had the same last name since birth, life is just full of coincidences. Tracy was a finalist in last year’s competition but was eliminated when he received the word “Gettysburg” in the final round, of which he made no attempt to spell, and simply answered with a loud growl followed by the intimidating New Zealand Haka dance.  Although Tracy is from Virginia and couldn’t point out where New Zealand is on a map if his life depended on it, he performed the intricate and beautiful dance to perfection, causing a certain Dickinson Sports Network anchor to shit his pants. 

Well now that you know all about the top spellers at this year’s event, let’s send it down to our mediator Tyler Johnston and get the action underway.

TJ: Alright spellers, let’s have some fun tonight.  Remember that all of the words you are given have been determined before the event takes place, and I have nothing to do with who receives what word, and please, for the love of God, let’s not have a repeat of last year’s debacle. I’m looking at you, Jimmy Coors.

Jimmy Coors: Oh, come on, we’re gonna sit here and act like you didn’t deserve to get form tackled after giving me the word ‘bologna’? What the hell is with that word anyway? Seriously Tyler, look me in the eyes and say the letter “G” belongs in the world bologna, I mean I must’ve spent minutes upon minutes studying my old Phonics books, and you’re gonna hit me with a word that abides by no laws? You’re gonna give me that wanna-be-lasagna joke of a word in the second round? I can’t even stand the sight of you right now Tyler, so we better get this thing rolling before I have to come down there and pummel your ass again. 


TJ: Heard you loud and clear Jimmy, and let me tell you again I really love the passion you have for words.  First up is Tommy Fieri. Step right up here Tommy, your word is ‘university’.


Tommy: Hmm, pass.


TJ: Uhh Tommy that’s not how this works.

Tommy: Nah it’s cool, just give me a different word, like football.

TJ: Tommy you can’t pick your own word, you have to spell “University”

Tommy: My word is football.

TJ: Ok Tommy, spell football for us.

Tommy: Easy, f-u with an accent on top-t-b-o-l. Football.

TJ: You know what, that’s close enough, you’re through to the next round. Next up is Benjamin Franklin.  Good to see you Ben, hopefully you can be a real LIGHTNING ROD to get this event poppin’! HAHA!

Benjamin Franklin: Uhh, okay?

TJ: Jesus. Alright Ben it looks like your word is- oh boy- Ben… Your word is ‘extraterrestrial’.

BF: Extraterrestrial. E-X-T-R-A-T-E-R-R-E-S-T-R-I-A-L. Extraterrestrial.

TJ: Huh? Wow Ben that is correct. You’re on to the next round, I guess that thinking cap is paying off immediately.  OK next up is Jimmy Coors. Jimmy your word is.. Oh God… Now Jimmy remember I have NOTHING to do with the selection of these words, but it appears that your word is… Gnome.

Jimmy: OH THAT IS IT, YOU’RE A DEAD MAN TYLER!

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