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DPS Trains Stray Goodyear Cats as New FeLine Unit in Response to 'Hyena Pack'



In response to local rise of the dreaded Hyena Pack, Dickinson’s Department of Public Safety has welcomed new officers with diverse backgrounds and skill sets.


The group, apply named the FeLine Unit, is made up of the stray cats who live behind the Goodyear Apartment. The idea to have a cat task force was Officer O’Hassta’s brain child and was in direct response to growing concerns about the Hyena Pack. He commented, “I thought DPS should have an animal group with a cool name too.”


How exactly the FeLine Unit will combat the Hyena Pack, a rumored sex trafficking gang

looking for victims on Dickinson’s campus and the surrounding area is unclear. It is believed

DPS might have misunderstood who and what makes up the Pack.

Despite this and fears that the FeLine Unit will lose relevance once gossip, masked as concern for the community, about sex trafficking dies down, DPS has decided to move forward with the program. Instead of only training recruits to take on animals at least four times their size, the cats will gain several other skills relevant to campus security work.


These include, but are not limited, to drug sniffing, weapons training, directing traffic, and working undercover to inform DPS when and where parties are happening. In addition, full time work benefits will include full veterinary coverage for the employed cat, and up to two dependent litters of kittens. The unit will also receive leftovers from the snar safe for cat consumption and the ability to audit Dickinson courses.


The Goodyear cats seem excited about the prospect of work. Tabby, a longtime resident of the Goodyear parking lot and cat, was selected at the lead investigator after passing her entrance exam with flying colors. “She’s the highest-ranking female cat in the nation,” said Chief Johnson, “DPS is proud to be the home of the best and brightest. And to prove that having a cat is just as good, if not better, than having a dog.”


When asked for a comment Tabby said, “Meow” and then walked between the legs of a report trying to go down the stairs, which is something a dog would never do.


The program comes at a time when Dickinson is trying to increase its involvement within the Carlisle community. DPS thinks employing local area cats is just the way to do that.

Unfortunately, many of the Goodyear cats will not be allowed to participate in the FeLine Unit because they tested positive for catnip during the mandatory drug test.


The official start date of the unit is contingent upon DPS figuring out how cats can fire a gun without opposable thumbs, fingers, or hands. The FeLine Unit will train and prepare, with the Hyena Pack constantly on their minds, until the call to serve is sounded.

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