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  • Ryder Knightly

Dining Services Pours It Up

100% KOVE approved

DICKINSON DINING HALL - Both students and faculty alike are absolutely buzzing this afternoon after confirmation that the caf will be serving Jungle Juice at dinner for the first time in over a decade.

So far this semester, attendance at events such as Pints with Profs and Cider Socials has been at all time lows. “That 6% ABV shit just isn’t gonna cut it for a legit pregame”, one senior explained.

Even the professors are itching for classes to be over on this gloomy Friday.

“Honestly it’s been fucking years”, admitted an older female professor, who asked to remain unnamed. “The other Philosophy gals and I are ready to show these young people how it’s done.”

Caf workers have spared no expense in the decorations either. The Welcome sign has been replaced with a banner that says “TGIF”, and each table will have a small, autumn themed puke bucket for when things inevitably get out of hand.

However those who were hoping for a regular meal tonight are out of luck, as the only food and beverage available will be nuggets, fries, and Pedialyte.

Inside sources tell us that Maxine has jerry-rigged the swipe machine so that students’ DOBs show up directly on the screen.

“As long as you’re legal, it’s on sight” she proclaimed.

Exactly what will be the chosen fluids and their ratios remains to be seen. Students are encouraged to bring their own homemade concoctions, whether it be for personal consumption or to add to the Juice. Send your suggestions and/or suspicions of what we’ll be drinking tonight to eeeyamike@gmail.com

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