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  • Charley From Next Door

Dickinson to Offer Externship With Brian Hamilton



Today at around 10AM EST, Third Year Economics major J.P. Jefferies was heard overtly lying about his marketability and desirability in Study Room 2 of the Waidener Sphar. According to several unnamed sources, this kid straight up said, “I could have totally gotten that internship at Goldman last Summer. I just didn’t apply.” The Third Year in question continued to dig a hole for himself by claiming that he would have “totally copped it, dog. Finance is my life.” You see, an imperative part of the Summer for the anally retentive Dickinson student is the much sought-after Summer internship. Before Summer break approaches hot and itchy like a venereal disease, an externship over Winter break is a great way to practice effectively synergizing in a work environment.

After his rejection from esteemed daily violence to the soul at Goldman Sachs, Jefferies was later overheard sharing his excitement about applying to an externship with Dickinson dropout Brian Hamilton at his tech startup called SoulCycle. “This one looks tight guys, it’s basically run by Bill Gates.” Apparently after receiving several complaints that the externships this year were not elite enough for the Dickinson student body, the college career center was able to lock down a shadowing experience unlike any other with the man, more myth, and less legend; Brian Hamilton. The externship is described as a 45 minute quazi-spiritual experience filled with house mixes of Taylor Swift’s greatest hits -- and no previous work experience required. The perks include keeping Hamilton’s used towel and prying hush money from him after a hip adjustment is deemed “out of your comfort zone.”

Dickinson students are not allowed to intern for an actual industry that the nation depends on, like manufacturing or some shit. Rather it is required they work for some parasitical field like investment banking, consulting, law, or the boutique fitness industry. That being said, this seems like the perfect opportunity for Jefferies to prove that he is not advantaged, affluent, or narcissistic. Pending externship acceptance at SoulCycle, Jefferies has already been tentatively booked to speak at commencement in 30 years.

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