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Dickinson Sororities Lament Underwhelming Formal Season

FORMAL SEASON - Carrying on its undefeated streak, Sunday morning played one of the best showdowns of the season this past weekend: the Sorority Formal Game. Each year, there is a new ranking of the sororities relevant to some esoteric aspect of Greek life including number of Green Peace Vegans, Elitists, Alleged Cougars, and more. Formal season is therefore a very special time for Greek women across the board. Not only does being invited to multiple formals boost male self-esteem, but there is also plenty of healthy competition between sorority members as the date approaches. However, we are not here to judge or rank these sororities, seeing as TotalFratMove already did that for us, but rather we are here to provide a completely objective recap of the events from this weekend’s Formals after three days of grueling reconnaissance…

After false allegations of using “unoriginal decorations,” the ladies of Pi Beta Phi decided to shop for formal decorations at the local Goodwill this year in the sport of their recent philanthropy pursuits. The girls were unsure of how to thrift, so they pulled up some Macklemore lyrics and followed them accordingly. When asked how they came up with the idea, one sister commented, “My Mom always got my props for the school play from the Salvation Army, and about as many people wanted to come to our formal as the school play so it just made sense!” Upon further investigation, the formal committee even escaped a passive aggressive email about using the wrong shade of silver for the first time ever.

Later in the evening, it was discovered that every single cherub was so blackout at the pregame that they ended up in the Drunk Tank at the jail on Old West street until they were deemed sober enough to fly their angel wings to formal. “It was kind of awesome,” commented one sister, “I totally felt like El Chapo walking into the Alison Community Room…Everyone assumes Pi Phis are well behaved and uptight, but that’s clearly false.” The sorority was also very excited about the high RSVPs for their formal considering the competition of the evening. “Johnny obviously was going to come with me,” recapped Brooklynn Austin, “it means that I’m not as annoying as the other half-virgins in my sorority.” While the turnout was strong, people were confused as to how so many middle school girls were able to sneak into the event as well.

Meanwhile, the ladies of Kappa Kappa Gamma were chilling around a bathroom sink passing a room key around before their formal; the only social event they show up to all year. It is reported that Stacy Hilton and Paris Rosemont went all week eating salad without dressing, but managed to rip 5 Svedka shooters and devour all the cheesy bread Dominos online ordering had to offer on Saturday. “The Vault was pretty chill this year,” reported one attendee, “like I reeeally had to pee and they said I could just go behind the photo-booth...and in the closet...and on the dance floor!” But not to worry, sources inside have reported that daddy is going to eat that hefty clean-up fee.

Another attendee discussed how formal is a great time to have really drunk sex with their #13 VIP invite. “I hooked up with this guy in my 8:30 on Mondays,” she recounted, “I need to ask him for money for Plan B, and the notes from last week, and then probably never speak to him again.” At press time, there are two formals down and two to go, and ours news staff will be there every step of the way. However, as the lax formal approaches Kappas eagerly await an invite hoping to be chosen over the latest Deer Park Water Jug model.

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