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  • Soap MacTavish

Dickinson Random Not an Uber Driver

Updated: Nov 15, 2018


Mistaken Uber Driver

UBER- John Barton is sick of it, he is not an Uber driver. In fact, Barton has not owned a car since his Mom took away his privileges for an undisclosed reason in high school. The subdued senior came back to campus this fall hoping for a good time, ready to finally break out of his shell and enjoy his last year of college. However, as the year has gone by, Barton continues to be misidentified as an Uber driver by complete strangers to the point where he no longer leaves his room. Barton said on the average week he is confused for an employee of the ride-sharing company anywhere between 5-10 times and can’t figure out exactly why. The 5’10 170 pound cheap sun glasses wearing Caucasian male seems to be a dead ringer for those elite they hand pick to drive Uber, but alas that is not the path that he has chosen. Barton has adjusted his style, dyed his hair, and even worn a superhero mask out in public, yet still has encountered the same issue every time, mistaken for something he is not.


Barton, typically a reserved personality on campus and a homebody, has nevertheless tried to make his senior year worthwhile. He has begun to go out more and has even frequented Alibis and Gingerbread Man on a few occasions this autumn. However, like a celebrity, Barton can’t even enter the bar without women and men alike pulling on his coattails. Just when he thinks they might be down to talk about something else, they quickly make it clear the only purpose of the conversation is to snag a ride home. Barton claims to have no affiliation with Uber and doesn’t even “really know what it is” yet people won’t stop requesting his services. When asked to comment he says, “Yeah man I don’t get it, i just try to be a normal guy and go about my life but in the end I’m always approached by some drunk frat girl at 2 am for a ride back from bis or gman and I’m sick of it”.


What’s even more incredible, after Barton informs people he doesn’t have a vehicle and can’t offer a ride home, that does not deter them. We caught up with one of the sorority girls who has notoriously requested Barton’s services. Sophomore Kappa Daphne Shorewood told us, “There’s nothing better than seeing Jonny at the bar, that’s how I know I’ll be safe. Carlisle can be a dangerous place, but I know even if John doesn’t have his car he will let me piggyback all the way back to Vincent House”. For Barton his clemency has only fueled the fire and as more and more students have requested his services he has begun to develop devastating back problems that threaten to follow him around for the rest of his life. For now Barton is taking a break from the scene as a result of his recent trials. However, we advise him not fret and recommend Barton give Uber a try, it might be the closest he gets to giving a passenger a good ride.

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