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  • Soap MacTavish

Dickinson Pong's 11 Worst

Updated: May 31

Lincoln Stratton:

Spittin Stinkin Sippin Thinkin Winkin Lincoln. Stratton, a proud former KE brother, has everything you would expect in a good pong player, he’s frat, wears a Dickinson Pong hat, and even carries a slight beer belly. Sadly, these attributes do not translate to a strong pong game and after a semester in Bologna, he is now apparently even worse. Beyond the actual skill-set he lacks, its more of Stratton’s pong aura that is most concerning. With his shirt off and his demand to take celeb shots when he’s on the sideline, he’s not who you want around for a casual best of 7 with the gang. You don’t have to be John Wilkes booth to knock down shots vs. this Lincoln. It simply the way it goes.

“Funny enough, the first time I met Lincoln is when I came up against him in pong. Never seen a kid talk bigger game in my life. I thought I was toast when I saw him chug three beers as he was walking up to the table to start playing. At that point, I was considering throwing in the towel and forfeiting honestly. Fortunately for me, however, Lincoln’s pong game did not match my expectations. Im by no means a beast at pong (although I am very good), but I swept the kid. Im searching for adjectives to describe his display and the only word that comes to mind is ‘comedic’. I literally almost started laughing when I saw that he wasn’t he even hitting the table. You want some advice, Drinkin Lincoln? How about staying away from beer games and sticking to singing.”


MJ Tricoli:

Gross. That’s the word that comes to mind when people talk about Tricoli’s performance on the table over the last year. For a dude with his hudl link in his insta bio (https://www.hudl.com/video/3/8322837/581b53b6bd752030e8788127) , friends and associates have yet to see that supposed athleticism translate towards an ability to knock down cups. With the nickname M.J. it’s pretty ironic that the man can’t get a bucket and has never truly been a Bull.

“The kid just looks like an average white dude, so why would his pong game be any different” -Tyler Caballero

Morgan D’Arcy:

Dickinson seems to be a hotbed for talented pong players, but like a fly on a wedding Cake, Morgan continues to tarnish the Dickinson legacy every time she steps on the table. Some players lack a specific element of their game: the clutch factor, the mind games, a consistent form, but for D’Arcy its much easier to find these deficiencies than to find a positive about her game. I mean the girl couldn’t find a solo cup at the party store. Disgraceful.

“Morgan is constantly distracted by boys, and has a weird affinity for barking like a dog, if you’re looking for a third avoid Morgan at all costs. She couldn't hit water if she fell out of a boat” -Anonymous

Jack Doran:

The kid has fallen off a cliff. After a surprising freshman year of knocking down cups, Doran has disappeared. Showing a raw ability years ago, he is now a shadow of himself, incapable of making big shots, and without a doubt the third fiddle to Charlie Demuth and Austin Hurdle. Doran’s trajectory is concerning, considering what used to be and there are no signs of a turnaround. It might be time he hangs em up for good.

“While Doran is physically skilled he lacks a lot of the mental toughness needed to be a good pong player. He is easily rattled by opponents chirps. Additionally, he can not get out of his own head. Once a talented player he is now quite comparable to Markelle fultz.” -Charlie Demuth

Aarjan Rupakheti:

It’s time we talk about Aarjan. For such a notorious pong player, Rupakheti or Aaron as some people call him, has made 0 strides since coming to Dickinson. Such as in soccer, Aarjan has been known to play the ill advised long ball, completely missing the table on numerous occasions. Aarjan loves to talk about performances he has had in the past, in between throwing up mid game and flexing for the gram, but the reality is no one has really seen it from him in a long time.

“Aarjan Gets drunk after 2 beers, then goes on to get hype for every cup he almost hits the rest of the night” -Anonymous

Julia Walsh:

This is without a doubt the worst pong player at Dickinson. While there are a lot of good things you could say about Julia, this is neither the time or the place. Walsh has demonstrated a complete and utter inability to compete within Dickinson’s high stakes environment over the past two years and has begun to slowly disappear from the DNU pregame invite list as not to embarrass the rest of her sisters. For someone with such a game on positive attitude, its a shame her skills don't match her energy. She has showcased a range of fundamental flaws, all addressed in the quote below. Please do better Julia, we are all rooting for you.

"Julia ‘butterfingers’ Walsh once immediately ended a game by catching a ball in the cup she was holding. She regularly makes more cups into her own side than the opponents and frankly it’s worrisome. All around champ in everything except pong. When homegirl throws the ball it’s like she’s throwing the discus in track and field...except in the opposite direction. Bitch throws cups instead of balls and one time spun around in a circle before yeeting one across the room” -DNU PC

Hannah Walton:

This one is tough because we really don’t want to give Hannah this attention. However, Walton’s disgusting pong performances over the course of her 4 years at the D have left us absolutely no choice. A frequent flyer at the beach house scene, people have begun to ask questions of Hannah’s vision with a shot radius circumference of 30 ft the ball can literally go anywhere. If you are in the room with Walton be careful, because she simply has no idea where the white ball is going. The nickname “The Musket” has begun to surface to describe her game, with a shot so weak and ineffective against the Brits (Josh Valentine).

“I call her Santa Walton, because she just gives away games to undeserving kids”


Ryan Ammirato:

This kid has coined the nickname “The Liability” among his roommates and friends around campus. If he’s on your team in a best of 7 look out because you’re going to have to hit some serious cups to make up for him. His NBA comparison would probably the 8 year old ball boy for the Orlando Magic, in that he has a hard time hitting the rims and the talent around him far surpasses his own. Ryan’s one saving grace of his pong game … has yet to be determined but he hopes to right the ship and “make a new name for himself” in the European Circuit this spring. Yeah whatever dude get some glasses and just try to put the ball in the cup.

“What can you say about The Liability? Kids good for a cup or two a game. Usually has a pretty good joke I guess.” -Anonymous

Malcolm Davis:

We have received hundreds of angry emails and texts about Malc’s addition to this list, all from Mr. Davis himself. In his mind he’s a top 2 pong player at the school, and damn sure not number 2. But in reality, we’d give him a solid 3/10. If you line up against Malc you’re probably in for a rough night. Not that he is going to hit more than 4 cups, but he will put out an assault on your eardrums anytime luck blesses him with a cup. Malc man count this as an intervention, no one needs you to invite freshmen over for Bo7s anymore just so you can brag the next day about how bad you beat them. Just hang up the cleats friend and take your rocky career as it is.

“It was hard to hear myself think over Malc’s yelling of “44” and something about St. Louis. From the amount of times he yelled I thought I was getting drowned, but actually he didn’t hit more than 4 cups a game.” -Anonymous

Jack Stanley:

Honestly buddy I have no clue who you are but it looks like you suck at pong. Sorry to hear it.

“Who?” -Everyone


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