Dickinson Petitions NCAA to Make Best of 7's an Official Collegiate Sport
Rejoice all future alcoholics: yesterday Dickinson College President Margee “party down south” Ensign announced that the administration had begun the process of petitioning the NCAA to make Best of 7 beer pong tournaments an official collegiate sport. In the announcement, President Ensign explained that the decision was in line with this year's core values: diversity, inclusivity, and going hard as fuck.
For some of the core talents on the Dickinson campus there is dismay that this took so long to come into fruition. Many of the top tier players are on campus are disappointed that they will not have the opportunity to benefit from the large scholarship pool that will be put towards the installation of the program. Senior Malcolm Davis swears he would have made for a great captain if given the opportunity, but unless the NCAA improves his redshirt appeal, he won't be able to make his mark.
From a recruiting perspective it's very simple. Recently hired coach Jon Legregin '17 said it's all about the overnights. Students who believe they can be a key part of Dickinson's success will have to show off their skills in front of the team playing the famous best of 7 as well as a 1 on 1 10 cup verse the captain to prove their worth. This alongside a well produced highlight montage will be what Legregin says, "Makes the difference between who we want versus who we need".
To get a sense of the community's reaction to the big decision, I first interviewed Jive team captain and beeswax enthusiast Rosemary Sequoia as she exited her yurt on Morgan Field. “I think it’s great” she explained excitedly, “I don't know what best of 7s or the NCAA are but the earth goddess and my horoscope both agree that this is a good thing.” Next, I made my way to High Street where I ran into junior club hockey standout Brock Hulqsmash as he was lifting a case of natty out of the trunk of his Range Rover Sport. “I’m stoked” exclaimed Hulqsmash, “now I have something to do in between stick practice and playing chel.”
After interviewing "smash" I journeyed over to the Kline to continue my interviews where I came upon pong enthusiast and noted Greek, Cotus Tsatzikiragos. “Hell yes,” said Tsatzikiragos, “now I won't be judged for wanting to play best of 7s at 9:30 in the morning.” The Greek fiend was ecstatic that his favorite activity now enjoyed the support of the administration. “I was getting worried” he explained, “the amount of blood in my alcohol stream was getting dangerously high from not playing enough pong.”
Overall, the student body is excited with the new direction the school is taking in regards to drinking. I reached out to the administration for a comment on this rebirth of "Drinkinson" and they explained their motivations as follows: “well...we are going to be insolvent in 2 years anyway so who gives a shit if our students drink themselves into oblivion, I certainly don't, now get the fuck out of my office.”