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Dickinson College Crippled by Crystal Meth Epidemic after Removal of PE Requirement

DURDEN- After the disbandment of the Dickinson College PE credit, the Dickinson student body rejoiced after an arduous trial against the futility of Dickinson’s administration. However, while the Senate narrowly focused on appeasing lethargic Dickinson NARPS, they failed to consider the repercussions of the decision on campus wide-well being. After only 24 hours without the gym credit to keep the students occupied, the decision has already produced devastating results in the name of a major drug problem. Like A carpenter with no hammer, Dickinson students without proper fitness instruction were forced to abandon their craft. However, without working out, students have begun to pick up “speed”, rapidly developing a massive crystal meth habit. Students have in fact bought enough “chalk” over the last 24 hours to cover every blackboard on this decrepit campus. While some students are literally buying into the culture, others are trying to stay fit without the gym credit serving as the main motivator in their lives. Despite all of these intersecting views and obscurities, there are absolutely no smoke and mirrors, the future of Dickinson is simply crystal clear. Shouts of “Ice Ice!” will neither be a warning of inclement weather nor a testament to Migo Adlibs, This winter, it will purely be meth related.

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