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  • Soap MacTavish

Condom Hats Assemble


The Condom Hats


UNDISCLOSED LOCATION- A group of condom hats were reported to have assembled in the cafeteria on Monday morning according to sources close to Testing Newsdays. Multiple witnesses have stepped forth noting the obvious presence of the ‘secret’ society. “It seems they want everyone to know it’s a secret,” noted one student. It was so obvious, desperate students bought magnum condoms from the D-Den and attempted to make a statement by placing them on their head. What makes the Condom hats even stranger is that they travel as a pack. A pack of condoms. And like a pack of condoms they are here to fuck shit up and offer protection against outside threats. They attend every sports event together and some say they eat, bathe, and even pray to the all powerful condom god as one.


This morning’s caf sighting prompted further questions regarding the activities of the not so secret secret societies. Like why do the Members wear the hats in their back pocket commonly mistaken for a piece of runaway toilet paper? Or why has no one ever seen a condom hat smile? Or lastly, what does it take to be part of the condom crew? Some people believe they are the elite members of MOB, while others believe they are the pinnacle of Dining Service employees. Whatever the case, it’s clear that the condom hats come from all walks of life and are here to restore some kind of social order on campus. The drip, the flow, the strength, it’s hard to imagine anyone will be taking the throne from these top guns anytime soon. You have to be some kind of sickos to wake, up look yourself in the mirror, and stretch a condom over your head.


Yet the question still remains: what do they actually do?

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