Campus Republicans Feel Ostracized, Need Safe Space:
ALTHOUSE 201-Dickinson Republicans were spotted huddled together fearfully around a burning pile of purged Georgia voter-registration ballots this evening. Liberals outside discussing the demise of Republican empathy were overheard by the young conservatives, and fervor began to brew as the Dems hoped Ted Cruz lost to Beto O’Rourke. The fragile GOP snowflakes could not bear to listen to their fellow peers berate them for simply holding a conservative point of view; “I mean all I want is for corporations to remain exempt from taxation while wages keep minorities stagnant and stuck in their proper socio-economic class,” claimed sophomore conservative Mike Midwest, “why can’t they just accept that we have different views?” These soulless supplicants to a party long-dedicated to nothing more than the destruction of its adversary at the expense of the American political system simply wanted to support their racist, old, white men in peace.
“I was at the polls today and I even heard one student say he voted for George Scott for PA District 10.” Complained Finance Major Silas Trust-Fund. “First Doug Jones beats the honorable Judge, Roy Moore, in Alabama and now this? What has this country come to? Tossing decent, homophobic, misogynistic Republican candidates aside just for being creepy to a few adolescents.” Silas was later seen throwing up into a MAGA hat at the thought of Elizabeth Warren beating Donald Trump in 2020. Between hurls he was able to mumble, “At least we got Kavanagh.”