Campus Preacher Derails Democratic Momentum

On Thursday Dickinson Welcomed the revered Britton Plaza Preacher back to campus. On a crisp fall day students get a little extra pep in their step when they saw his likeness spreading his version of the holy word of God. From the time he began to speak yesterday it was very clear the campus community was behind him and his incontrovertible evidence made it easy to see why.

Some students such as Sophomore Shannon Pelletier admitted that the individual protest was successful claiming, “I honestly am a huge social justice warrior (Go DNU!) but when that man opened his mouth my whole perspective just changed. I mean his vision is really clear to me now”. This event came on the heels of Tuesday’s midterm elections and it is safe to say the Democratic momentum from Tuesday has already been derailed. Over 80% of those in attendance claim that in retrospect they would have voted differently if they had been exposed to such rational viewpoints before Tuesday. One kind student was so inspired by the preacher that he offered him a snickers bar, but the man refused, a believer that no one should just be given things.

The majority of students who heard him speak used adjectives such as “eloquent” and “virtuous” to describe his appearance on Britton. Students found themselves valuing his lectures over their own commitments with several students skipping class just to hear him speak. Not only was he brilliant, but his presence was enrapturing and for the 5 hours he commanded his post the campus was at a standstill.

Among His Strong Talking Points Were:

• Birds Are Just Obama Drones

• Gay People Will All go to Hell

• Anti Legalization of Ranch Dressing

• Women are Inferior

• Charles Darwin was a Fraud

These five points show just the kind of man he was, and the way he supported his points with holy bible in hand for reference made each point 10x stronger. Students experienced euphoric sensations rivaling those of an 8 am Juul rip as they packed bodies into Britton Plaza. As many as 200 people in attendance resembling the attendance of a strong MOB event. The major turnout reflected a complete sense of agreement from the student body, as if they had waited years to hear exactly what was being preached to them. While some students still remained hesitant to believe all of the reasonable points he put forward, the remarkable backing the Preacher got on Thursdays shows that our campus must be open to new perspectives if we hope to flourish as a "top" Liberal Arts Institution moving forward.