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  • resblvckcorrespondent

Black Dickinsonians Greatly Sympathize with White Guys being Generalized for First Time

Updated: Feb 9, 2019



Author’s Note: As the newest black member of Testing Newsdays I am proud to follow the oldest black tradition there is: Filling the obligation to speak in all things racial. Didn’t realize I’d get called to duty so soon. Happy to be here.


After the dropping of the Dickinsonian’s latest stirring opinion piece, Black Dickinsonians first concerns were making sure all the white guys were feeling okay. Aware of the brutal oppression the white males had faced over the last 24 hours, Black Dickinsonians knew they had no choice but to intervene.


Black students from the Dickinson community were quick to jump to the aid of the white student body after catching wind of this debacle, recognizing the unorthodox parallel between this incident and the profiling they have endured their entire lives. “They had their humanity and individuality stripped away by a Dickinsonian article, it hurts,” said Alex, a junior Math and Philosophy double major, “I’ve been stopped by DPS and asked if I’m a student here because I ‘fit a description’, every time a white lady reports feeling unsafe, so like, I totally get it. Definitely the same thing.” Such an obvious parallel struggle, it simply can’t be ignored.


The Black Student Union has reportedly called an emergency meeting to discuss how to help the white guys of Dickinson, as they cross into the realm of being judged solely on their outward appearance.


BSU President, Jasmine Lane, who first experienced being generalized in 2nd grade when her teacher never failed to mix up her and the only other black girl in the class, and yet somehow managed to keep Evan, Ethan, and Eric straight, said, “We feel as a group extremely experienced in the art of being stereotyped it’s our duty to hold white guys’ hands through this, because like always, this is about them and how they feel.”


The organization has begun planning a series of workshops titled “So Now All of a Sudden Race Matters”. Drawing on BSU members experiences of being followed around in stores, asked to speak on behalf of all black people on matters of race, having white women clutch their purses when they walk by, being told they’re pretty for a ‘black girl’ or 'surprisingly articulate', and countless other covert and overt racist acts normalized by years of systemic oppression and racism reflective of years of systematic marginalization, the BSU hopes to workshops will be a fun ways to gently introduce white guys to their new way of life. With luck, the exec board hopes its workshops can be completed in an afternoon, as to not take up too much of the white guys’ time.


Yet while the majority of the Black community has been sympathetic, there are a few outliers who believe these white men are “just playing the race card.” One of these voices, a BSU member, Shawn, offered, “Honestly, they need to toughen up. If I sneeze next to a police officer I’ll get eight warning shots in my back. If this is the worst thing that’s happened to you because of your race and gender in the past week you’re lucky.”

Some white guy, whose name the reporter forgot to get and will serve as the voice for all white guys at Dickinson said he was happy BSU was finally working for the benefit of all students and quoted MLK. (Or something like that I forgot to record the interview)

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