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  • Charley From Next Door

Bean Outsiders Overworked; Consider Becoming Bumble Ambassadors



UNDERGROUND – At around 3:30 today, a Bean Outsider was spotted hurrying through the Underground in her duck boots trying to hide under the hood of her “not all who wander are lost” sweatshirt. Known for taking topless photos at the peak of Hawks Watch; a measly excuse for a hike, and favoring the Warrior 9 while getting down and dirty in their sleeping bags, Bean Outsiders are cracking under the pressure of their free brand deal. “Walking and taking Instagrams at a liberal pace is just too much for me right now,” said the former nature lover Sally Lumberjack, “like I went to sleepaway camp but nothing prepared me for this”. It’s easy to feel her pain as all Bean Outsiders have to endure taxing responsibilities ranging from the occasional insta post, wearing winter hats indoors, and smoking one individual cigarette while atop a mountain. These things can certainly take a toll on a person’s well being after a while.


However, these struggles weren’t merely isolated to Lumberjack herself. After not meeting the quota of passing out 500 free chapsticks, junior Autumn Syruphands finds that ascending weak slopes now consists of beating back existential dread -- but with trees. After months of cleaning her car, hair, armpits, teeth, and laundry all with Dr. Bronner’s 514-use line of soaps, she eventually found the highly-concentrated product was ironically making her smell even worse. All of these trials and tribulations have caused many Bean Outsiders to take a step back and consider trying their luck as a Bumble Ambassador, helping to promote a wasteland where the guys don’t even try to hide the fact they just want to get in your pants and may or may not give you herpes in the process. The Bumble commitments consist of placing a singular sticker on your laptop and wearing a Bumble t-shirt once a year, so it’s easy to see why this would be tantalizing for the overworked outsiders. In our closing interview Lumberjack echoed exactly this discrepancy between the two brands, as she vowed to take a brief hiatus from her campaign work for her own mental sanity, and inadvertently all of ours...


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